Insert overused title here
by Eilarran
Summary: Enter at your own risk. Beware of Mary Sues, illogical pairings and yes, mysterious girls with dark secerets and troubled pasts.
1. Zuko x OC Part 1

Insert overused title here

A/N – This is a sequence of chapters which parodies all the illogical pairings and fanfic plots that makes you want to hurl heavy objects at your computer screen. If you find this offending then I hope it will open your mind and encourage you to use some originality and rationality in your future works.

I do not as much disprove of the pairings themselves, only the illogical way they are conducted in. I myself encountered a few excellent fanfics which managed to explain most unusual and unexpected pairings in an innovative and creative way that made perfect sense. I am only a crusader against the cliché and the curse of the Mary Sues which plagues the Avatar fandom.

If you are devoid of a sense of humour and decide to waste your time by flaming me then I will publicly humiliate you and your pathetic effort at intimidation

Enjoy:)

**Disclaimer: **_Avatar: The Last Airbender _is not mine. But your attention is.

Chapter I : Zuko x OC

Version 1 – The ''Fallen-angel-out-of-nowhere'' plot variation.

It is midday.

Zuko is standing at the deck of his ship and staring at the sun because he has nothing better to do.

The golden light of the celestial disk of shininess reflect in his fiery yellow eyes of fire and rage and anger and angst and passion and strength and-_proceeds to list ''powerful'' words of description of Zuko's eyes _and glitter and more fiery shininess with the intensity of a thousand stars.

Zukos bare masculine chest rippling with an infinite abundance of muscles glitters and shines in the golden light of the sun like a quote from previous paragraph because we all know how Zuko likes to walk around shirtless wherever he goes.

at this point typing becomes more difficult due to the author drooling shamelessly all over the keyboard

Finally after countless descriptions of Zuko's superhuman sexiness that is designed to have fangirls glued to the screen, the author realises that it's time to introduce some plot to the story

Suddenly for no reason whatsoever Zuko looks up at the sky and sees something coming towards him at an accelerating speed of a bullet.

even though bullets are a modern invention and do not exist in the Avatar world

'_It's a bird!' _ A voice echoes inside Zuko's head

'_No, it's an airplane!' _ another voice speaks in the vicinity of his mind and before Zuko can ask what an airplane is, yet ANOTHER voice yells _'IT'S THE AVATAR!1!1eleventyone11!11!'_

Zuko is confused and wonders if he has developed a split personality disorder as a third voice grumbles_ 'I'm hungry'_

Suddenly ---- this word will be used more than 15 times a stunningly, amazingly, wonderfully beautiful girl lands neatly in his hands. She has long silky/velvety/cascading/undulating/flowing hair of a shimmering unnatural colour and deep beautiful eyes that glitter like emeralds/the ocean/the sky/the grass/the stormy clouds/the blazing fire-

by this time the author runs out of clichés and attempts to make up some of her own ones…failing miserably

readers suffer from bowel movements

Zuko is astounded and mesmerized by the sheer blindingly obvious beauty of the young maiden. He had never seen such beautiful eyes and such a beautiful face and such a graceful slim form and such beautiful sleek hair….and such beautiful….beauty…..yes…... And at once a thousand questions leapt into his mind.

'_Who is she?'_

'_What is her name?'_

'_Where is she from?'_

'_Why did she fall out of the sky?'_

'_How did she escape the potential head concussion?'_

'_When can we get laid?'_

''_Why are there so many voices in my head?'_

'_I like melons'_

Suddenly, without offering any sort of explanation as to what the hell she was doing here, the girl promptly passed out…in Zukos arms…

The exceedingly hot firebender is once again, STRUCK with WONDER at this MYSTEEEEEEEERIOUS girl who had so MYSTEEEEEEEERIOUSLY landed into his arms………………………………………………………………………………………………..mysteeeeeriously.

Without any rational reasons whatsoever, Zuko proclaims that the girl is now his prisoner. He takes her carefully, tenderly, affectionately and ever-so gently to his room because that is where all prisoners are usually taken to be imprisoned…….

Whoever invented dungeons and chains obviously didn't know what they were doing.

As he carried her to his quarters he proceeds to making ghastly out-ofcharacter remarks on her wondrous beauty.

the readers are sick and reach for the nearest bucket to empty the contents of their digestive system

At last Zuko reaches his room and placed the girl's elegant frame onto his bed. He then sits beside her and stares at her for 3 days straight until she finally wakes up.

The Avatar no longer exists in this story

As the girl opened her eyes they shone and glittered with a million colours of the rainbow that blinded the poor firebender who fell out of his chair……………………………………………………………………………………………….………….mysteeeeriously.

The prince stood up on his shaking knees and attempted to compose himself.

''What is your name?'' He asked her in a demanding tone.

The girl moaned and whimpered and moaned and whimpered some more, long enough for Zuko to collapse into OOC mode where his harsh/angular/angry/furrowed features softened and melted into an expression of the deepest love and concern that causes several readers to retch in disgust.

''My…my name…is…'' The girl struggles to pronounce each letter as she coughs and moans and whimpers from unknown causes, instantly winning her captor's pity. ''….my name….is insert a poor attempt at a Chinese-sounding name that sounds more like something taken out of an astrology book or out of the author's ass''

Zuko blinks in amazement. He had never EVER heard of such a beautiful and unusual name. It deepens his curiosity. Who IS this MYSTEEEEEEERIOUS girl?

''You have a scar!'' The girl points out the obvious. The moaning and the whimpering is now abandoned to be replaced by a MYSTEEEEEEEERIOUS far-away gaze in her multicoloured eyes and a quiet MYSTEEEEEERIOUS voice full of mystery and HIDDEN secrets. ''I….I also have scars…'' she announces in a dark, furtive whisper making Zuko lean in with curiosity.

''There's one here shaped like the yen yang….another one shaped like a dragon…oh, here's one that looks like a phoenix, and loads of ones shaped like Chinese scripts that I cannot translate…and this looks like the map of the Fire Nation…..this one is a flower….that one is an angel and this one is a carrot.''

By this time Zuko is utterly bewildered at all these……..MYSTERIOUS scars that riddle the young girl's body. She must be verrrrrrry special…..

''Who are you? How did you come to be here?'' Zuko asks the girl.

''Weeeeeeell…..'' The girl stares at the ceiling and scratches her beautiful head in thought. '' Lets see….. I'm from a parallel universe but somehow I had gotten into this world and was almost raped by Zhao/Ozai/Jet/Momo/Roku/CrazyFoamingGuy/cabbages and somehow managed to escape thanks to various powerful, legendary spirits/assassins/bounty hunters/ninjas. But I also have TRAAAGIC and TROUBLED past because my parents especially my father, since your father is also a bastard and we need to have something in common to bitch about later on in our ''bonding session of mutual angst'' had tortured, mutilated, beat up and publicly humiliated me while abusing and killing my mother and siblings at the same time. But then when the moon was full and the stars were shining and the ocean waves were singing-''

readers skip the tragic-past-dialogue for fear of spontaneous human combustion

''…..and that's why I'm the next Messiah and the Ultimate Avatar Power Source Warrior Legendary Spirit Thingy that is destined to kick the Fire Nation's ass and save the world!''

Silence.

''I also have SUPERPOWERS!'' She grins and smirks and smiles…………………………………………………………….mysteriously.

''I can do the following things…

Mindbending

Thunderbending

Control all the other elements in existence

Fly

Read minds

Predict the future

Shoot beams out of my eyes

Talk to plants and animals

Turn into a dragon or a monkey at will

Make cupcakes

Oh and did I mention I'm a gazillion times more powerful than the Avatar?''

Silence.

The intensity of the fire bender's eyes penetrate into the girl's very SOUL!1!The room heats up and tension builds up until it becomes almost unbearable-

''Can I take a bath?'' The girl asks in a sweet innocent voice and batting her startlingly beautiful long eyelashes,

Zuko nods, hoping for a traditional fanfic bath scene where he gets to see her naked.

The girl leaps joyfully out of her bed her bleeding scars and wounds completely forgotten and gives Zuko-wuko a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiig happy hug

She then skips happily into the non-existing bathroom in Zuko's room.

After a while she emerges wrapped in only a towel with her wet hair dripping over her shoulders…her sexy shoulders…..

Zuko starts to get uncharacteristically dirty thoughts.

GASP! Raging teen hormones/GASP!

'_Oh my goodness!'_ one of Zuko's internal OOC voices exclaims using some retarded phrase that actual Zuko would never say. _''Why am I thinking of her like that? Why do I think she's sexy? I mean I'm a boy and she's a girl but I STILL don't get it….''_

''_I'TS TRUE LOVE!11!1!1''_ the instant conclusion strikes him as another voice screams inside his head.

'_Shut up! I'm not allowed to have emotions, remember?''_

''_But you LOVE her!''_

''_No I don't''_

''_Yes you do''_

''_No I don't''_

''_Yes you do''_

''_I don't love her!''_

''_Yes you do! You LOOOOOVE her! Love love love love love love love love love love! Muahahaha!''_

''_Stop it!_

''_la l a l a l a l a l a l a la''_

''_Since when do I talk to myself?''_

''_Since the author figured out that it's easier to just use simple dialogue because it saves time and does not require an in-depth analysis of thoughts to be written out thus establishing some purpose and depth to the character,''_

''_Oh''_

'_I AM FILLED WITH INTERNAL ANGST-FILLED CONFLICT OF MY EMOTIONS………………….AND ANGST!' _Zuko shouts to himself and runs out of the room in a dramatic manner,

cue-in Uncle Iroh with a tray of drugged tea

To be continued…..


	2. Zuko x OC Part 2

Chapter 2: Zuko x OC Part 2

**Disclaimer: **Alas, I am but a poor water peasant. I own nothing.

_(at this point the author assumes we all have the attention span of a 90-year old and decides to have a RECAP of the previous chapter by quoting the last 3 paragraphs because the readers are too handicapped to click one button in order to go view the previous chapter themselves)_

Someone knocks on the door.

Tension builds up.

Music from _JAWS_ starts playing as the girl slooooooowly reaches for the door handle and….

''SURPRISE!'' A jovial voice proclaims ever so loudly making the poor girl jump 10 feet in the air but come back down on the ground in an impressive, elegant, beautiful and graceful manner using a complicated combination of air bending, gymnastics and ballet.

Uncle Iroh is impressed.

Very very very impressed.

The girl has somehow magically gotten dressed in a ridiculously short time but we are meant to assume that she is only clad in a skimpy towel when Zuko is around.

''I see you are a very young and beautiful specimen of the female race'' Iroh states, trying to sound natural despite the fact that people don't normally address one another in such a way. ''Even though I have no idea who the hell you are I have come to the instant and irreversible conclusion that you will make a fine bride to my nephew after many agonizing chapters where I have played the sickening role of a matchmaker using the most unoriginal and annoying techniques like locking you up in a broom closet or forcing you to make pancakes together with provokingly coloured aprons. But with my pathetic and blatantly obvious ways I will eventually bring you together and convince you to accept your differences so that you can have a soulful, angst-ridden conversation where you compare your tragic and troubled pasts. In the end you will both fall madly in love with each other and the dialogue would become infested with vomit-inducing smut followed by a hot steamy session of sex or making out depending on the rating of the fanfic or the author's sense of decency. I mean, it's not like I have anything better to do other than trying to get my nephew laid with every random girl we meet. But I know YOU CAN HEAL HIS BROKEN AND TORTURED HEART!''

The girl blinks.

''Would you like some tea?'' Iroh shoves the tray in her face with an insane smile.

''No…no thankyou. I'd really-''

''Oh but you MUST! Tea is gooooooooood for you!'' Uncle Iroh insists with senile look on his face.

The girl starts to back away…

''Uncle!'' Zukos angry shout brings him to a halt. ''Are you trying to force feed her your ''tea'' again? How many times have I told you not to take too much of that stuff!''

''I'm not addicted!'' Iroh pronounces defiantly. ''I can stop whenever I want to………..yes…….. Please excuse me….'' The old man leaves the room in a shifty manner, holding the tea tray tightly to him as if it was his firstborn.

Zuko and the girl stare at him incredulously. The prince pinches the bridge of his nose in irritation even though nobody has actually seen him do it in the series.

An awkward silence ensues during which the characters are checking each other out and having angst-filled internal battles of angst because as well all know, falling love is a great sin and forbidden in all the 4 nations of the Avatar universe.

Suddenly ( -- there it is again!) Zuko looses control of his emotions and storms out of the room…..again.

He runs to the deck of the ship and his magnificent ponytail ripples magnificently in the magnificent wind.

Magnificently.

And suddenly without warning….

_FLAAAAASHBAAAAAAACK!_

_(Readers groan and proceed to repeatedly collide their heads on their tables in frustration)_

_(Weeeeeee! Italics!)_

_(Insert description of Zuko's scar-initiation-ceremony, for no purpose whatsoever, that everyone knows already and has seen/heard/written a thousand times before)_

_It was a dark and mysterious night._

_The moon was full._

_The starts were shining with pure and perfect shininess._

_Zuko and another Fire-Nation-clone-girl with black hair and (drum roll) yellow/golden eyes were standing on a moon-bathed balcony of a beautiful red palace. _

''_I am sorry Zuko….but we cannot see each other anymore…''_

''_Why?'' Zuko wonders, pain and bitterness building up in his painful bitter heart._

''_I…..I…..I…..I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I'm notinlovewithyouanymore''_

''_Huh?''_

'_I'm DUMPING you, you moron''_

''_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!1!11!11!1!1!lookatme!11!1!eleven!11!one!1!'' Zukos agonizing screams pierce the cruel darkness of the night like a knife slicing through a tomato, like a fork stabbing a sausage, like a stapler accidentally stapling your thumb, like a-….._

_(……somewhere….in a galaxy far **far** away…..)_

Darth Vader:_ I feel a disturbance in the force…._

_END FLASHY FLASHY FLASHBACK!1!1!11!1_

And this is why, Zuko realises, he is such a bitter, angst-ridden, angry, frustrated, evil bad-assed semi-bold hottie that terrorizes 12-year old boys and water peasants. All because his YOUNG and FRAGILE heart was BROKEN!1!1!11111!

Now he can NEVER open up to ANYBODY after he was so unjustly and cruelly wounded. Deep inside he is just a lonely li'l softie that wants to be luuurved!

_(Readers are profoundly sickened to the core and attempt to assassinate the author)_

As Zuko is contemplating his angst and bitterness, (without a shirt on of course), he feels a soft/tender/cool/smooth/warm/kind/gentle touch on his super-muscular shoulder. He quickly turns around to find the startlingly beautiful girl behind him with an inhumanly charming smile that crumbles mountains, breaks glass from 50 miles away and provokes unintentional suicide.

Her slender/lithe/thin/fragile body is bathed by the pretty, glowing, glittery, silvery light of the moon.

'_OMFG!1! It's a freakin' angel!' _One of Zukos voices with 21st century slang and abysmal spelling proclaims.

''I know how you feel…'' She whispers MYSTEEEERIOUSLY to the night.

''You do?'' Zuko is puzzled but amazed at the same time in soppy admiration.

''I'm a Mindbender. Duh'' She taps her head with her perfect, slender finger and smiles another MYSTEEERIOUSLY annoying smile. ''I….I also went through the same thing as you….It happened when-''

_(Readers scream in terror and jump out of the window)_

_(The dialogue is skipped thanks to my merciful consideration)_

There is an awkward silence.

_(In fact, there are many awkward silences as the author likes to overuse them to such a disgusting degree that it looses its original purpose.) _

Suddenly the silence is dispelled as the girl's lips begin to quiver with newly founded emotions!1

''I…I…..I…...I….I-I-I h-h-h-a-a-a-v-v-v-e f-f-f-e-e-e-e-l-l-i-i-n-g-g-s-s f-f-f-o-r-r y-y-o-o-u-u…..'' She stumbles over words in fear and anxiety and frighteningly anxious fear.

Suddenly she bursts into a shower of spontaneous tears and knocking the wind out of poor Zuko as she squeeeeezes him in a vice-like hug-o-death that threatens to snap his spine in two.

''I LOVE YOU!11!1!1one!1!1'' She screams like a banshee hugging him tighter.

A million thoughts zoom past Zuko's confused mind!

'_Lungs…crushed…..can't….breathe….'_

'_Such a wonderful warm embrace…..'_

'_Ooooh, is that a penny?'_

'_WHERE IS THE AVATAR?11!1?1'_

'_I wonder what Uncle is doing…'_

Finally she lets go and Zukos face no longer looks like a purple aubergine.

But the sight of a girl crying has touched him soooooooo deeply, it is making him want to leap into the ocean from the sheer pain he experiences just LOOKING at her tears.

(I mean, I'm sure he had NEVER seen a girl cry in all his war-riddled live in the Fire Nation)

And just as he decides to commit hara-kiri (a Japanese samurai suicidal tradition when a warrior impales his gut with his sword and empties his insides on the ground) because he cannot take the PAAAIN of seeing this girl cry, he realises an obvious fact.

''I LUV U 2!1!'' He announces triumphantly to the air and engages the girl in a passionate kiss, described down to the very last nauseating detail.

_(Several readers pass out from the sheer horror and disgust. Crazy Zuko fan girls are protesting in outrage)_

Finally after 10 or so paragraphs, Zuko unplugs himself from his girlfriend to gasp for clean air.

''Lets get married!'' The girl shouts and looks at Zuko with puppy-dog eyes. ''Who cares about the Avatar or your father or your country or your throne or the other 3 doomed nations besieged with war? Lets go make friends with the Earth Kingdom and have lots of babies! Then I'll save the world and we can have many many babies! BABIES! Weeeeeee''

Zuko shrugs. ''Sounds good to me''

And so the girl kills Ozai, saves everyone, almost gets raped by all the male characters and becomes the Queen of the Fire Nation.

The REAL Avatar, Sokka, Katara, Haru, Jet, Jun, Iroh, CrazyFoamingGuy, Zhao, Suki and everyone else in the Avatar universe become conveniently misplaced and/or dead.

Zuko and the OC have a big happy family and make strawberry pancakes.

FIN


End file.
